Written by Joseph Simone
Being part of the Synflow group, this stacking has a certain synergy between its elements that flows with people in contrast to the contraflow stackings that have a solipsistic energy. "With people" doesn’t necessarily mean "positively associated with people," but rather the opposite of solipsism.
As a stacking that is SP blind, both elements of this stacking are "people-based" in the sense that both SO and SX fulfill their instinctual needs via other people. SP on its own is primarily focused on the self and its body. This sometimes means that SO/SX uses a lot of display to attract people whether they are introverted or extraverted. This could mean clothing, jewelry, hair, memberships, art, music, etc. With SO/SX, social is an open current that invites people in. It could be inviting people for both positive and negative means, but unlike SX/SO, it flows into people. It attracts people. SO/SX has a craving for some kind of interaction whether that be getting a like on social media, getting a compliment on a cool hat, or pissing off a bunch of people. Other stackings can act this way too, but for this stacking, just getting that interaction is instinctual food.
The energy of SO/SX can be described as "7ish" in the sense that it is sparkly. This doesn’t necessarily mean happy sparkly, but could also mean lightening shooting out in different directions, the energy of a "spray." Social is associated with the element of "air" because social is the instinct of communication and relationships. The food that SO seeks to eat is "outside," out there in the world. Even very introverted Socials will have some desire to put themselves "out there" in some way via social media, online groups, etc. They won’t necessarily always seek membership or "friends" because they can be both positive or misanthropic, but they will seek interaction. SX is associated with opposing elements such as fire/ice. SX as a supporting player to social adds a spark to social’s "up and out" energy. This is where the sparkler idea comes from. SO/SX has the energy of sending multiple iterations of themselves out in different directions. This is why SO/SX tend to enjoy repeating patterns aesthetically. The trend of wallpaper-like clothing with repeating patterns is a manifestation of the high number of SO/SX designers in the fashion industry. SO/SX can also be seen when "status" is playfully mixed into clothing such as specific hats, royal themes, crests of arms, and costume-like references.
On that note, SO/SX can roll into SP/SO territory and vice versa. The synflow stackings can often flow into each other. The typing of a person never changes, but there can be elements from other stackings present. When SO/SX looks to its blindspot, it often finds itself in SP/SO land with the easy ebb and flow of a certain "lifestyle." The gounded-ness of SP supported by the secondary element of social focuses on living a certain way, like my home, my clothes, my friends/family, etc. One of the hybrid SP/SO-SO/SX phenomenon in our society is "holidays." The SP/SO gathering together of people to eat and perform rituals mixed with the SO/SX glittering spray of decorations and clinking glasses. One culmination of this in the Western-Christian tradition is the Christmas tree. It’s the SP/SO structure from the earth standing tall as a ritualistic icon but covered in the SO/SX glittering lights and decorations.
One of the hardest pills to swallow for Social types, especially SO/SX is the need to be "cool." Being cool means being liked, being interesting, having certain friends/associations, being envied, getting what you want, and being the opposite of a social outcast. Part of why this applies to SO/SX more than any other stacking is because the idea of being "cool" is completely frivolous. It has nothing to do with acquiring any real needs for oneself. It’s entirely focused on the opinions of others and external circumstances. It’s the social need to have connections with the SX need to keep people hooked/interested. SP in the mix is better at helping people wise up and focus on more important things. However, being cool can still apply to other stackings. With SO/SX the attention goes there first. Needing to be liked is deep internal message. One thing that SO/SX will do is put a large emphasis on their unique social badges. So they might turn their attention immediately to their hair colour, clothing, tattoos, etc. When they say, “Here’s my tattoo,” they’re also saying, “I’m the type of person that gets tattoos, I’m in that category. And I’m doing it my own unique way."
SO/SX is the "one to one" instinct if there is one at all. All stackings can have certain preferences for whether they spend time in groups or pairs, and it’s not related to the instinct necessarily. However, if there’s one stacking that is religious about "one to one" intimacy, it is likely SO/SX. The primary instinct is the scariest place for people. And for Socials, that means "connection" is the scariest place. Relationships, friendships, and even simple connections like saying "hi" to someone on the street can be an area of much greater focus than the SO/SX will realize. But the mega-fear for SO/SX is the question, can I connect with this person? It is easier for SO-2nds and SO-blinds to reach out to someone one-on-one that they are either intimidated by or assume have some kind of role/status that they lack. This can be as simple as a leader of an online group, a religious leader, etc. With social there’s an element of being specifically chosen for a connection. Any interaction is something to put a lot of mental energy into beforehand and during. More confident SO/SX will seem very sure of themselves and their ability to talk to others. SO/SX will often come across as totally comfortable with people. But inside they might be terrified to go to that party, or feel unworthy to speak intimately with a person, or even feel cheated by the lack of one-to-one time they got from someone with whom they’ve chosen to interact. SO/SX are always looking for their "best friend" or partner in each social setting that they enter. Without that person, it’s like they don’t know who they are or how to act. Having that special connection brings them alive and gives them confidence. SX in 2nd place is part of why they come across as so confident. SX as a 2nd-place play area makes it such that SO/SX have an easy time using sexuality to be interesting, shocking, daring, and unique. They might toy with socially acceptable notions of what sex is as part of their unique signature. The attraction space will mean a lot to them, but it doesn’t tear them apart the way it would for SX/SO. SO/SX can get extremely loud with their sexual display, sometimes even more so than SX-dominants, because it’s not the sacred place that the dominant instinct holds.
Some themes in art/films they like will often depict people in sexual hierarchies, groups, multiple pairs, and scenes of intimacy. Sexual hierarchies means that SO, being in-tune with status and the organization of people, will be attracted to images where one person is dominating another, or specifically make a point to turn that preconceived idea on its head. SO/SX is also attracted to the idea of an "orgy." However, this version of an orgy includes multiple pairs or small groups sharing something intimate. The key here for SO/SX is SX from the standpoint of social, which means extreme "intimacy." Courtship and kissing are "connective" ways to do SX. This is separate from the SP/SO hand-holding; the idea that we are side-by-side partners linked in a "bond" speaks more to SP. With SO/SX, the SX brings snake-like intertwining limbs with the looking-into-each-other’s-eyes brand of extreme intimacy and connection. SO/SX is also the instinct of "portraits." It might be to represent a specific person that they identify with, or it could be simply to frame their face as communicating something like a facial expression. The face is the locus of communication which speaks to SO.
One misconception about Social in general is that it is always positively associated with people. This is not true for SO/SX or any stacking with Social. It can be, but SO/SX can also be extremely introverted and even hateful of people. In fact it’s the focus on how people are a problem as a theme that speaks to Social being in 1st or 2nd place. Any stacking can be misanthropic. But SO/SX can be hyper picky about who they speak to or befriend depending on type. Socials will try to curate people in their lives, specifically selecting certain people and perhaps rejecting others. The first instinct will be the most particular about itself, and for Social, "connection" is the key.
One aspect of social that often gets overlooked is the idea of morality and judgement. Part of the instinct of people is the notion that we all need to act a certain way in order to coexist. This parallel with type 1 is most apparent in the SO/SP stacking, but SO/SX can be surprisingly particular about how people are supposed to be. They might have their own unique spin on those rules, but their pet peeves will generally be related to the things people do that bother them.
Below is a post from the Facebook group written by Talia Marcheggiani:
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT
People asked why I'm not upset about being typed a Sp/So 6. Here is the short answer:
First of all, I am upset. I'm always upset. I cried all night about how I was a scared and lonely child desperate to be liked who wrote in her diary about sandwich-only diets. This realization is far from new, though. It was previously chalked up to being a 4. In fact, my 4-like emotional sensitivity, depth, need to be seen, aesthetic sensitivity, and sense of alienation and shame fooled not only myself, but Enneagram experts and close friends for years. This was mostly because none of us fully understood the colourful emotional complexity of 6. And also because I didn't want to acknowledge that I was common.
However, when the video evidence became clear, I accepted my 6 typing because I believe I'm self-aware enough to know that I hate myself, which is why I joke about it (and thus overcome it). I see everything I do is based in fear, and a desperate need to level with people and be seen as agreeable and loveable. I'm also the same type as George Carlin, which makes far more sense than being the same type as Nicole Kidman: delicate, refined and beautiful. Instead I'm noisy and self-deprecating and carry around Dollarama bags wearing vintage sweaters with holes. I'm Tina Fey.
Identifying as a 4 was complicated. I had to twist my psyche around to see hints of elitism and superiority. When relationships didn't go well for type-unrelated attachment issues, I would contort the facts to align them with motivations based in 4 typology: "focussing on what's missing" or needing fruitlessly to have an innate brokenness "corrected" through love. In hindsight, it is much easier to directly palpate the actual anxiety that drove the existential crises I sunk into when relationships were falling apart.
Perhaps those who refuse to identify with 6 after being typed by experts (and run crying from the group, or stay to constantly question their type, which is just more evidence of 6) despite clear signals, captured on video, that point to their true nature, are just deeply fixated in 6 and therefore prefer to be the more exotic types like 4, 5, and 8 in order to slip out from under the actual sensations of fear that drive them.
It is not fun to be a 4, 5 or 8. Being any type is only ego-inflating when it's not actually your type. When type descriptions are only partially accurate they impregnate us with a sense of warm belonging rather than the cold horror that can arise when reading about your actual type—seeing yourself as you truly are, a naked, flawed ape clinging tightly to a ball spinning through space. Space trash.
Everyone I know who typed accurately as the more sought after types cried when they first read about themselves. Want to be a 4? Ask Joseph how fun being a 4 is.
Now, please, either get in this dumpster where you belong, or close the lid.
Thank you for looking at me. That is all.
I'm seeing something that keeps popping up in the enneagram community that I wanted to address. I'm writing this on the fly (like I do everything) so forgive me if it's not perfectly worded.
People seem to equate self-revealing honesty about trauma to 4. I'm seeing lots of people talk about trauma they've suffered and typing as 4. Or I'm seeing people try to use said brutal honesty as proof that they are 4 or 4-fixed. First of all, anyone who can talk about their trauma in such an honest way is BRAVE, because I certainly couldn't. It's difficult for any type to talk about deeply traumatic experiences especially to a group of almost strangers.
However, this is not type 4. Type 4 is an image type, and image types are concerned with looking at themselves in the mirror and seeing a person they like or that they want to be. For 4, that's an addiction to being frustrated about not being able to have something that would make you complete (among other things http://www.theenneagramuniverse.com/type-4.html). But this is not the true heart centre, the types are a crafted image, an ego, a personality problem. There are 4's that lived the easiest, most privileged lives that are still 4's. 4 is a reactive type, but they are also withdrawn. It's a lot more likely for a big bold type like 7 or 8 to come into a space and be able to speak candidly about trauma, or anything truly personal really.
4's like to think they are self-revealing and authentic, but TRUE authenticity is terrifying for a 4. The truth of what really hurts us, the things that have really damaged us, truly putting ourselves on the line, that is completely terrifying just as much as it is for any type. The kind of bravery I've seen from people in this group is not the same as the crafted image of brokenness that the 4 point lives at in the heart centre. You will find me complaining, being bitchy, being negative, making myself separate, pulling away, but you will never see me talk about the things that truly cut me deeply in this group, because that's too scary and it also threatens my self-image of being somehow separate. If anything, I withhold my weakest spots more than others. If everyone is self-revealing, then I can't be because I need to hold onto my separateness. If I just splat myself on the table for everyone to see then I'm going to have to shatter my own type ego which wants me to believe that I'm an alien. I can boldly throw my own self-image at others, but to actually discuss trauma, I won't. This isn't to say that all 4's will think like me, but I just need it to be understood that talking about trauma you've experienced does not make you a 4, it just makes you brave. 4's will often have certain "problems" that they are comfortable using as their broken self-image, but these are often not TRULY traumatic issues, but rather ways to feed the type 4 ego (see, I'm broken, see I created a problem, but it's not something that truly matters).
If you have been through trauma, you can use the enneagram to figure out how you've dealt with and processed the trauma. Reading type 4 might give you some sense of feeling like "oh that's why I'm so upset all the time." You are upset because you have a right to be. Suffering comes with trauma no matter what type you are. It's often the more positive types like 2, 7 (or some 6's) that take issue with that negative piece inside them and the ego can try to use type 4 as a way to explain why they have such a dark side. Type 4 becomes a way for the ego to say "It's not my fault I'm sad because I'm just a 4." But trauma is never your fault. And truly dark experiences are not the same as the gold-trimmed royally-crafted painting that 4's want to see when they look in the mirror.
David Gray in response to a question on SO/SP vs. SO/SX 5, with distinctions between contra and syn flow:
I think so/sp is a certain 'blocking' energy unto itself, which could thwart social interaction in a particular way.
One truism I've noticed for the contraflows is that they weirdly somewhat work against their dominant instinct, unconsciously/intstinctually or subtly.... like sp/sx actually has this slow downward suck/attrition into 'death & decay', the literal opposite of *self-preservation*....even while it's an sp-first stacking.
So, so/sp has this sp wall between them and "personal nudity" (sx)....the latter being an important element in acutal sociability....ie- I'm really just putting the instincts in a straight row ... so/sp is then ....soc....sp ('wall')....sx.
All the stackings can be 'worked' (conceived of) this way. Like, a problem with sx/sp and romantic/sexual connection is that actual bonding is the Social instinct, and there's, again, an sp wall between sx and soc in that stacking (sx/sp/so). But again I think the contraflows are still more entrenched somehow in something that fundamentally works against their dominant instinct, even as its their central focus.
Your 'college major' issue, btw, would be a classic so/sx-ism -- self-dispersal, a certain kind of difficulty with the brick-by-brick building of 'foundation' underneath 'me'. In a way so/sx isn't 'sticking with yourself' (sp-blind), like there's a certain kind of 'loss of self-location', although tritype can be a huge factor there, and your having a 9 fix would intertwine with that in a certain way that could exacerbate the issue.
I'm thinking of Joseph as I'm saying that -- he's 478, which is like triple-individualistic or triple self-interested, etc. which partly balances the so/sx self-dispersion. 478 grounds the self in some degree, simply by how much heft of 'Personality' is part of its nature (in contrast to so/sx's 'scattered / up-in-the-air' energy)...ie- 'grounds the self' here not meaning anything spiritual, etc, but the 478 fixations, in combination, have an extra dose of 'Me being especially defined and important to Myself' to them.
I wanted to just give an anecdotal example of what it might feel like to be Social.
One of my major social 4 quirks has been that I don't dance in front of people. I do love to dance as much as anyone does. In fact I really love it as a musician. It's a natural response to loving music. But the extreme shame of wondering what I'd look like to others or the separation I feel when others are enjoying some kind of positive group solidarity to music that I think is crap also prevents me from letting loose in public.
Last night I was listening to one of my favourite old disco songs and I ended up dancing my heart out (after closing all my curtains) alone. Even though no one was watching, I felt that everyone was watching. I was crippled from even being able to enjoy my natural response to music because of the onslaught of questions I had to answer for in order to even do this alone: Is disco cool? Who's watching me dance like this? Where are we? What genre would I be if I like this song? Should I tell people I like this song? Maybe I'll post about how I like this song and change my look to be disco-flavoured. Now I need to readjust my entire sense of how other people see me to fit the fact that I like this song and dance this way. Okay I can make this work, I just need to integrate it into my image. Is disco gay? Are people going to see me as a stereotype if I like this? How can I make it seem like it's uniquely me? Which group of people should I present this too?
Then the realization that actually I'm alone and no one is watching at all sets in. SO/SX wants to be some exotic bird; and combined with withdrawn 4 it's like being a beautiful bird that just sits in the corner and is admired but disinterested hoping that its feathers are enough to make people approach it.
Throughout all of this, I had a precise picture in my head of exactly which people were watching me dance and where and how they were reacting. And with social adaptability, I had to readjust my entire sense of what my role was in the eyes of others before I could even just simply follow my gut enjoyment (being SP blind and gut last plays a role in this too).
I'm sure many people can relate to this brand of self-consciousness. However having high Social in your stacking can bring this consistent "mentalizing" or processing/adapting to your role as others perceive it. It took me years to be conscious of these thoughts.
Among other things, Nine-ness is a **selfishness** about maintaining my own inner sanctum of stillness and calm, and since I can "smell needs from a 100 miles away", I continually avoid being around people... in numerous ways.
Me, personally, I MUST have MANY hours of alone time. I'm 53 years old, live alone, never been married, made sure to never produce children, cannot imagine why anyone would ever have children or a spouse. Why would you ruin your life like that? [Note to future self: Next time, insert a smiley-face emoji at this point in the conversation so that the people know you're not a sociopath; you're actually a very kind and compassionate man, aren't you???]
On some level, I see 9-ness as hypersensitivity disorder -- I'm absorbing people at the level of my body, I'm sensing *too much* about them, I'm in some danger of being 'possessed,' so I'm also, especially as self-pres dom, making sure to say 'No' to all of that, because of the degree to which I can be 'taken.'
As a Gut type, very deep down, 9 is highly invested in maintaining autonomy/independence. The 9s who are more clearly 'giving themselves away' are somewhat engaging a 'management system' that (unconsciously) appears to them, at the onset of each connection or interaction, as 'serviceable enough' for the protection and soothing of the 9's own inner sanctum. This is the 9 motif of "If everyone around me is ok, then I'm ok."
I'm purposely, for the sake of some brevity, leaving out the 'human heart' element in the above (my heart, other 9's hearts), but of course all the above is complicated by the fact that I'm (me personally) also being affected by others often at the level of Feeling, compassion, empathy. Nonverbal emotional intelligence and insight is often an area of mastery for 9s, and the people in a given 9's life may have no idea about the depth to which the 9 is getting saturated by the emotional weight of the other person/people, an absorption which might often have its start in the heart and emotions, or some combination of heart and body-sensing of emotional content.
Again though, it can't be overstated ... a main concern with self-pres 9... the self-pres instinct's sensitivity and capacity for alarm and watchfulness about "what's happening to ME, RIGHT NOW", which can often amplify the Gut center's concern around boundary encroachment and sustained autonomy.
A given situation with another person has the potential to register, resonate, and reverberate loudly, though nonverbally, throughout the body, and can be experienced as something like a mortal threat, instinctually. Of course, ultimately (I mean, like, ultimately-ultimately), this concern, in most cases, is all an illusion -- there's no real mortal threat and there never was -- but try telling that to an animal instinct that has no verbal capacity.
Self-pres is also looking into the future, toward 'possible future time & energy expenditure' as it relates to this or that person or group situation. And since, as a 9, I so inadvertently tend to saturate with other people's stuff ('smell them 100 miles away' <--- By the way, imagine what that means in terms of what happens *up close* with you and other people), I *must* do 'No' or develop a capacity for 'No'.... otherwise the sacrosanct inner sanctum might imagine or sense that it's in danger of merging with the mess and perpetual agitation that is this other person or these other several human beings, a foundational shock that would never stop reverberating, making waves in the silent ripple-less pool of the sanctum.
In Character and Neurosis, Claudio Naranjo talks about the relationship between the types on the Hexad of the Enneagram as being "antipodes."
The types that border the same centre are related by a specific connection. For example 4 and 8 are both bordering the Head centre (4 has a 5 wing and 8 has a 7 wing). These types are called Antipodes. There are three sets of antipodes: One and Five sharing the secondary centre of Heart (they have a heart wing); Four and Eight sharing the secondary centre of Head (head wing); and Two and Seven sharing the secondary centre of Gut (gut wing).
The antipodes issue for Ones and Fives is focus of control. The One, with a strong instinctual centre, seeks to control themselves by controlling their environment. The Five, with a weak instinctual centre, seeks to control their environment by controlling themselves. They both use their proximity to the heart centre to relate to people.
The antipodes issue for Fours and Eights is focus of intensity. The Four seeks intensity of feelings and the Eight seeks the intensity of living by instinct. They both use their proximity to the head centre as a flexible backup to increase the intensity of their primary centre.
The antipodes issue for Twos and Sevens is focus of connection. They both focus their primary centre outwards, neglecting their inner selves and trying to make up for this in connecting with others. They both use their proximity to the gut centre to focus them outwards.
Threes, Sixes, and Nines are not antipodes. They are connected tightly by their lines of movement in the Triangle.
Zak was willing to allow us to type him in the Enneagram Universe Facebook group. After much discussion and discovery, we have put him at:
SP/SO 5w6 582 (full tritype 5w6 8w7 2w1)
Some notes from the typing thread:
5: over-intellectualizing, cognitive orientation, processing emotions in the head centre, laser focus thinking, detachment
8: brat, argumentative, asshole, arrogant, strong debater, pushing boundaries, forcing your way in, politically incorrect, libertarian freedom, "I’ll do whatever I want"
2: camp counsellor, loves kids, feminine emotional side, softness, focus on “connection” via banter, some positivity about creating a friend group, self-help author
Thank you Zak!
The following excerpt was written by Erica Robinson. I believe it is a great example of the inner world of a type 3. I believe it also exemplifies how that type interacts with the SP/SO stacking (Erica is likely SP/SO 3w4). I thank her for her candid vulnerability and for letting me share this example on my blog.
"To no fault of generations past, I had a breakthrough in this past year about the 'mother wound' I was carrying all my life.
I realized that at some young age, I drew a sweeping, likely inaccurate conclusion that my mom paid the most attention to me or really, what I deemed, 'loved me' the most when I performed well.
The most motherly engagement was when I was DOING something right in life, as a whole. Getting the good grades, doing the good programs, getting into the good schools, being a good person, all by her standards, which is cool and common and nothing against her.
But what it did is it created a few issues.
It created me becoming masculine. In order to receive love, much like her with her mom, I had to *perform*. In order to receive the MOST love, I had to be as close to perfect as possible. Grade A was not enough, I needed A+.
Can you see how this worked out? I had a 4.0 in undergrad; I went to med school. There are benefits to this.
But there are also drawbacks.
I lived a life for her - I lived an inauthentic life, not true to my own desires. My own desires were often clouded with the guilt of not being what she would want, the shame of not being perfect.
I carried this in a subconscious way into every interaction I ever had to the point that constructive criticism literally felt like an attack on my self worth. I became highly anxious, hyper triggerable. Will I have to defend myself again today? Will I have to defend my right to live? Will I have to defend my worthiness?
At the core of criticism I felt it was like my mom asking, "Where did the other 5% go?" when I brought home a 95% on a test. The sting of, "I like you, but I would have liked you even MORE if you got that 100%." That's just how my brain processed it, that's how it occurred for me. And so defending myself, defending the loss of that 5%, became defending my right to receive love, and it showed up EVERY where in my life.
And that's how I defined myself: I was only WORTHY (of love, of being alive) if I was actively DOING something, actively contributing to society in some grand sweeping way. I STILL live this way, to some degree: It's my strong suit. Now I get to take it off and breathe every once in a while.
I look at my daughter and I think, She doesn't have to do ANY thing to be worthy. She's worthy, by virtue of being here. By virtue of who she is BEING.
Certainly my mother never *said* any of this to me, it was all a misconstrued mess from the mind of a 4-year-old, that just kept telling these stories for 30 years. Gathering more evidence for the validity of the stories, making it more true, becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy of course.
So it created issues like I said. The issue of being inauthentic to my desires and the issue of not even KNOWING my desires, lest I disappoint her. It created the issue of not feeling worthy - of love, of living - unless I was performing. It created the endless cycle of performance, leading to exhaustion. it created the issue of becoming A performer, becoming masculine, losing touch with my emotions. Emotions became things I didn't understand, that built up under the surface till they exploded.
Most of all, the core of the Mother wound for many of us - I lacked a healthy emotional attachment to my mother, and I lacked an emotional relationship with her (and still do, in many ways, much like she still does with her mother, and her mother before her). The Damage of Patriarchy runs deep, generationally.
I don't confide in her, we don't know that language. There isn't a space to speak, to be. There are things to measure up to, sure. There is performance - we can talk about that. That's what we know. When I share emotions with my mom, I'm given solutions instead of heard, much like her mom told her to 'Soldier On' or 'Be Tough,' - things maybe FATHERS typically used to say to SONS. And so as a result I don't go to my mother with my emotions, because neither of us really know how to be with them in the space between us. It's awkward and foreign.
None of it's right or wrong, it simply has an impact. It's a passing down of a generational wound.
So when I see Alice confide in me, it's the beginning of something BIG.
It's the beginning of an Emotional Relationship in WORDS. We are already clearly physically attached - that is what Attachment Parenting (AP) does. I chose to use AP with her, a style of parenting my mom and her mom had taken away from them. I chose to co-sleep for 6 years, and breastfeed for 4 years, and baby wear and involve Alice in my day-to-day life, even coming to med school with me.
All of that created a very strong attachment. I, on the other hand, was PEER attached as a child, I looked up to my peers more than my parents, particularly post-adolescence, which got me into a LOT of trouble in high school. Alice so far is parentally attached. I see it going much different for her.
And so in these small moments, I see us undoing the damages of patriarchy. The generational traumas and motherwounds. The relationships that mothers and daughters before us LONGED to have, or needed to have but never knew how to articulate such a longing. They just felt it, as a missing in their hearts. An awkwardness in the space between them. I see how I've overcome so much to be able to give her the space to just BE, not need to perform.
To teach her she is worthy by virtue of her BEING. To teach her the power of Authentic choices, that are in Alignment with who she is and what she values - not choices fuelled by fear, shame, and guilt, and the hope of pleasing me.
It took a lot. Like Snoop I'm gonna say Thank ME for doing that. "I Wanna thank Me for doing all this hard work." Thank you Erica for doing that. Because I had to become my own Mother to heal that. I had to grow a love and a worthiness and a self-acceptance INSIDE of me to heal that, not one that I demanded come from someone or something outside of me. And it took a lot of money and coaching and therapy and mistakes and failures and experimenting.
And it's been messy and disgusting and awful and chaotic and yet -
Here - crystallizing, in this very moment -
Are the fruits of the effort. The Beginning of the Harvest.
My Daughter, night after night, morning after morning, colouring beside me, confiding her growing emotions, in my confidence.
What a Soul.
We are undoing the harms of the World. Love really does Prevail. The process does not look or feel pretty, and it takes years if not decades. And that's what I'm beginning to understand:
The Beauty of Love is so fucking magical, because of what it had to grow through to become itself."